What I think about when I think about Jumping

I am so obsessed with this queen right now. I just have to. ;) 

So, I was going around some videos over my phone and I stumbled onto one of me doing that Dropzone thingy in Dahilayan. I can’t really call it a ride, because you don’t ride anything, and other than the harness, it’s just me, the tower and a trampoline. It’s both terrifying and exciting.

Basically, this is how you do the dropzone.

You climb up a really high tower about 6 or 8 stories high. The entire thing was pretty open, so its like climbing a skeleton of a tower. You could literally see everything under you. So if you have acrophobia, well, it’s a given that you shouldn’t try this attraction.

When you reach the very top, they attach you to a harness, and then you jump off. 

I should repeat that for emphasis.

YOU JUMP OFF THE 6 STORY TOWER THINGY.

I didn’t really have a problem climbing the tower because I’m not really afraid of heights.

But jumping off from it, is a completely different story.

I was a bit of brag, it was my first outing with my new officemates, so I wanted to establish this daredevil persona, and it’s something that I have never tried before, and I might never try again if I don’t do it now, so what the hell. So up I went. I was flipping my hair, and shakin’ my shoulders like it was no big deal. On the entire way up, I was chanting to myself,

This is okay, there’s a harness, and there’s a trampoline waiting down, what can go wrong? They wouldn’t put it up there if it was an actual death tower anyway.

An officemate went before me and man, he just went right ahead. It was so much pressure, because he just walked to the edge, made sure the harness was okay, then bam. There was no moment of hesitation, no thoughts of backing out, he just jumped.

So it’s my turn.

I steadily walked to the edge of the platform, still strutting like this entire thing is a walk in the park. Then, I was on the edge of a 6 story tower. And I have to jump.

It was my first time doing anything like this, being a sheltered kid who was not allowed to go anywhere other than school and all that. My brain has no memory whatsoever of jumping from high places and doing daredevil thingies so naturally, my old pal the amygdala went haywire. I could almost see it wildly blinking red. I was feeling cold, my hands and legs are literally shaking, I could feel every hair on my skin stand up, the feeling of the air on my face was more pronounced, everything is more pronounced.

I was trying my best to calm my brains out by thinking about meh, the worst that could happen is that something would go wrong, and I’m gonna die, which is not so bad, really. Everyone’s gonna die, well, it was a little dumb to die this way, but, meh. But also, the possibility of that happening is very low. People are meant to jump from this tower, I have a harness, there’s a trampoline under me.

But man, my body just couldn’t stop shaking.

The thing that made that attraction terrifying is not the fact that you’re going to jump from a really high tower. There are videos, and the actual jump is around 5 seconds tops, the harness would take care of the rest of the way down. It wasn’t the fall that was scary. It was the idea that you will do it voluntarily, by yourself, no one’s gonna push you, the floor is not gonna pop open.

YOU.HAVE.TO.JUMP.

So you’re basically fighting with your natural instinct of self-preservation and survival.

I was up there, shaking let a wet chicken, seeing everything under me, with the wind blowing to my face like a jerk. I took my time, and I was this close to backing out. I don’t know what happened, I guess I just shut my brain down for a second and jumped the fuck down that tower.

And that was it. Done.

Daredevil persona retained.

I felt like a badass.

This isn’t the scariest ride/attraction that I have tried on that trip, there was that vertical slide thingy, (which I got stuck in the middle of), the 500m zip line, that roller coaster/anchor’s away slide ride, but this one is probably the most memorable.

It made me think about the people who jump to their deaths. How terrifying was it to stand on the edge of a building or a bridge, with no harness, no trampoline, nothing waiting down there but death. How much will power would you need to take that final step and just let it all go.

I always say that I don’t mind dying, at this very moment or in the near future but being up there ready to jump terrified me so much, and it was just a park attraction.

It's just a thought. And I know it's a really dark thought, so I'm gonna leave a picture of this really cute pingu that would wipe all the terrors away. 

Really Sad Bizarre Dream

I rarely tell people about dreams, because you could get a lot of things from dreams. People’s hopes and dreams, fears, a fragment of their true personality. That’s why I’m really really careful about telling my dreams, but this one, this one I really have to tell, because if I don’t, I’d probably be heartbroken for the rest of the day.

So here goes…

THE DREAM

There was a guy. He was tall, a bit pale, with light colored hair, the kindest face I have ever seen, and he’s dead. 

In this dream, he was my significant other (in real life, I don’t have shit like that, and in this dream, he’s goddamn dead, yay, me!). There was an altar, with his picture on it, in the middle of the living room, complete with flowers and candles, but there’s no casket.

His body’s is in my laboratory, because apparently, I am a doctor with Wakandan technology who can bring him back to life. How cool is that? And brought him back to life, I did.

And for a moment, there he was, my significant other, alive, breathing, smiling, and with me, but just for a moment. He died again shortly after that.

It was devastating.

DE-VAS-TA-TING.

This is a dream, I know, but goshdamn it hurts.

It felt like my heart was squeezed by pro wrestlers, then smashed by a hundred hammers, then ran over by a bulldozer. In that dream, loss hurts physically. It was like a part of me was torn away. I spent hours in front of his altar, just looking at his picture. Somebody came by and asked what I was doing, and I said “I feel like some part of me is missing. I feel like I’m not me anymore. I’m incomplete.” (hah! Even in dreams, I’m dramatic). That person patted my back and left, and I continued to stare at his picture, trying to summon memories that won’t come.

Like any normal human being, at some point I blinked, and when I looked back at the altar, the guy’s picture is gone.

I was hysterical. 

People were trying to calm me down, but I can’t. As if that picture was somewhat, an extension of my dream boyfriend. I was more devastated than before. I was begging him/his soul(?) not to go away, because I was gonna bring him back to life again. I was kneeling and crying, muttering “please don’t leave yet, please don’t leave me, I’ll bring you back.” like a lunatic’s mantra.

 Then at one point, I saw something in the clouds. Words.

LOWEST DRAWER.

Then a blue pull-cabinet popped in somewhere in the scene. I opened the lowest drawer, and lo and behold, my dream love’s picture was there, so was Luxor (my real life beloved laptop) and some papers that I have been missing.

I looked up at the clouds again, and again, there were words.

ESSENTIAL LIGHT

I muttered it out loud because it didn’t make any sense. And someone in the crowd, reacted. It was a tiny old woman, who suddenly became enraged. She was screaming and shouting that this was all his (I’m guessing dream loverboy) fault. She tried to leave, but the people (I don’t know where they came from) held her back.

She was so mad at me. She kept saying I didn’t have a proof. I tried to look at the clouds again, maybe loverboy would give me proof, but, this time it wasn’t the clouds. It was the railings of the roof. There were numbers. I recited the numbers to her, and she fell silent. It was apparently her bank account. All these doesn’t really make sense to me.

I was just happy to get the photo back.

I went back to my lab and brought my beloved back to life.

If you thought everything would be happy now, you are wrong, because holy macaroni, he died again because of some complication.

The pain was even worse. I feel like I’m dying everytime he dies, except I live to savor all the pain. It was excruciating. So when the team of Wakandan doctors decided to bring him back to life, again. I didn’t approach him anymore. He was looking for me, but I didn’t come near him. I couldn’t bear going through the pain of losing him again. What if he dies again?  I won’t survive another one of that heartbreak.

But he was looking for me. And frankly, dream me was looking for him all the time too.

So I give in, for a while I was with him, and we were happy. But then, he fell ill. He was holding me, and I could feel his heartbeat, it was incredibly fast, and then it slowed down, then slower, slower, until it stopped completely.

My dream boyfriend died for the last time.

And then I woke up.

COMMENTARIES

Holy fuckin fuck. 

I woke up feeling that pain in my chest. I carried some of the dream emotions with me. My eyes are watery, and I can hardly breathe. 

I have to consult with Dr. S.Freud again, because I am so deeply bothered. I’d edit this post for the commentaries soon. :3

Resolution

Non existent- readers,

I finally got the nerve to just actually write whatever the hell I want. So there we go, I hope I could expect more entries in this blog in the days to come because of this new resolve. This is probably a product of this whole new-found obsession with Drag Race and Drag Queens and their glittery, colorful and fantastically gorgeous lives. But more on that in another entry. 

So there,  if ever there is not much changes and I still slack off and after a week, there's still four entries to this blog, we could all blame that solely to my hectic work and sleep schedule. (Yes, my sleep schedule is pretty hectic).

Zoey is my spirit human

The actual reason why I don’t write so much besides the fact that I don’t really have much time to write, because goddamn there are so many things to do, so little time in this life, is that I’m actually really scared to write. I always fear that people will judge me for my opinions and my thoughts. And I sometimes sound a little too preachy, like I got this whole life thing figured out. So I’m scared that people will judge me on that.

But just to get it out there, I might sound like it at some point, on varied topics, but trust me, love, I am as lost as Hansel and Gretel was in the dark forest. Except, there’s no Hansel for this Gretel, so I’m not just lost, I’m lost and alone.

See? That’s another thing. I could be overly dramatic over stuff, and may sound like I’m crying out for help. ( But really, I might actually be crying out for help).

So there. This is my little resolution.

Goodluck to us.

Fighting!             

Reading is Fundamental Part One

I think I look like this right now.

It's almost 5 AM, and I haven't had any sleep, or shower for that matter. I have finished doing the thingy that I stayed up all night for, so now I'm writing on this blog again.

The good news.I still like this blog, and it's the third entry and the idea of coming up with an entirely new blog hasn't entered my mind yet (now it has! damn it!).

While on my way to this cafe (amazing place by the way, it really lived up to its name), I read an article on books that changed people's life. They listed a myriad of books, classics, John Green's new novel with the turtles, a Supernatural book, and books I never heard of before, but I would definitely check out in the future. Then I thought about the books that changed my life... and that is the topic of this entry.

I love books! And I have read (and bought, but not read yet) a lot of them. Whenever I'm sad I buy books. It's like buying an entire new universe where the things that suck in this real life doesn't exist. Or in some ways, it's like buying a new life, where I have friends, a loving family, and adventures. So yeah, there are a lot of books that changed my life, whether its books that made me realize the things that I long for, the books that really changed my perspective on a lot of things, things that made me appreciate life in a different way.. there's just.. okay, here is the list.

1. The Little Prince

I read this one when I was young, it's probably the first novel that I have read (the romance pocketbooks that are lying around our old house doesn't count), and man did I love this book. It's a story about this, I don't know, intergalactic being called the Prince, who lives in a very tiny planet, decided to go on an adventure, landed on a lot of other planets before finally coming to earth and meeting this pilot person (who is the narrator of the book).
How it changed my life 
 It taught me how to value the simple things, the roses, time spent with people or foxes, lambs. I actually consider this book as my the light manual of life (it's counterpart, the dark manual of life would come in later). It taught me that the things that matter doesn't really have to be based on the what the world thinks matter. We decide what matter, we give them life.

Favorite Quote
"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye."  

2. Catcher in the Rye 

No, I am not trying to sound smart like I sometimes do. This book is amazing. Well, why would it be one of the timeless classics if it doesn't, right? But seriously, this book is amazing. It's the story of Holden Caulfield and his life.
How it changed my life
 I admit at first, I don't get what's happening. I was like, what's going on? What is this shit really about? He just keeps on babbling about random events in his life. Reading the book is like listening to a friend ramble about, I don't know, his summer vacation.  And as you continue reading it, I got to realize, that hey, this is interesting, and then I kept turning and turning the page, and realize. hah. This is life seen through this person's eyes. Hah. I just lived as him for the whole duration that I was reading the book. And it's fucking amazing.

Favorite Quote 
“Certain things, they should stay the way they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone.” 

3. The Picture of Dorian Gray 

This one I have read countless of times. It's Oscar Wilde's first and only (finished?) novel. It's a story about a young, innocent oh-so-pure and breathtakingly beautiful man named Dorian Gray and his corruption, seasoned with some supernatural wishes and gay love.
How it changed my life
This is it. My Dark Life Manual. It kinda thought me how everything in this world is ruled by our senses. That we are sensory beings to be able to get the most of this life, we must indulge our senses, seek pleasure, be happy. No, no, no. I'm not just talkin' pleasure and sensations like drugs, sex and orgies (read the book, or watch the film, you'll know what I mean). But all of it, sadness, happiness, defeat, regret. And how these "sensations" make us up. Oh dear universe, I could write an entire entry just about this book.

Favorite Quote
The only way to get rid of a temptation, is to yield to it. 


Okay. There a still a lot of books that I want to write about, but, for now, let's just stick to this three. There's definitely be a part two. I don't want my favorite books getting all jealous with each other because some of them are featured in my blog and some are not. haha.

And with that, I sleep. :)